Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
