Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
