well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
