Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
