Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
