sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
