so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
