Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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