Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
