I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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