I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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