Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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