I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
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