genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The Olympian is in my bed
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
