Jerry, you need to find god
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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