I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I look excited, but its just a facade.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
