she looked like the before picture.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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