dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
