I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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