Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
