he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
