Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
