This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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