Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
