oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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