we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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