My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
