I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
