i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
