I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
