Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
