pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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