so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
