If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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