I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
