He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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