I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
