matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
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It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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