I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
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im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
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I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.