How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Stone age, man.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
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I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
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Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.