My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
