Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
