Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
