Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
