I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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