I want to have your abortion
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My pussy is not your playground.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
