I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
