I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
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