Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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