Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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