I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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