So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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