and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
