I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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