I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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