omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
