I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
